22 Dec 2011
It’s past that time of year where every website, magazine, blog and pundit choose their round up of the best tracks from the past year. It was a bad year for dictators, who took a serious dent in numbers, but when it comes to music 2011 saw Julio Bashmore put Bristol on the map yet again, Crosstown Rebels became the most ‘fashionable’ label to be seen listening to, and Maya Jane Coles became fit in a very mysterious way.
Whilst reading list after list can become repetitive (especially as most of the countdowns have been won by the new saviours/messiahs of the free world, Seth Troxler or Jamie Jones), no-one seems to talk about the bad parts, of which there have been too many to mention (but we’re still going to try).
So to fill up some space before the new year, here is our HuWho round up of the things we haven’t been so keen on. The things that we’re literally unavoidable. Here goes…
10. Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull – On The Floor
This is one of those songs that was advertised as a ‘summer smash’. If a song that only makes you think of Brits stumbling across a dancefloor in Ayia Napa to the (auto)tune of Jennifer Lopez shrieking over an accordion is classified as a summer smash, then a summer smash it bloody was. If you still have that Yamaha keyboard you were bought for Christmas in the 90′s, go to ‘Presets’, and select ‘Lambada’. I don’t think these two did much more than that. Apart from Pitbulls inspired turn in which he continues his never ending list of completely unrelated things which may or may not rhyme. We all remember the time he rhymed Kodak with Kodak, right? Inspiring wordsmithery.
9. Afrojack & Steve Aoki – No Beef
Major Lazer, what have you created? You know when ringtones were in their prime and companies would compete to create the most annoying and tedious way to hear your phone ringing? It sounds like a terrible one of them. Also, anything that has a YouTube comment like this is never a good thing:
‘Roses are red, Violets are blue. Last time something dropped this hard, It ended world war 2′
WORLD WAR 2 ENDED BECAUSE GERMANY SURRENDERED AFTER HITLER KILLED HIMSELF YOU DICK.
8. Lil Wayne – How To Love
I think the time when you take life/love advise from Lil Wayne is a time when you really need to reassess where your life/love is heading. Where exactly did Lil Wayne gain the necessary experience to tell you ‘How To Love’ anyway? Was it in prison? Because I can guarantee you that the ‘love’ that Lil Wayne received in prison is a lot different to the love that you’re looking for.
7. Maroon 5 ft Christina Aguilera – Moves Like Jagger
Just incase Adam Levine needed yet another excuse to parade around with his shirt off, then came ‘Moves Like Jagger’, a song so catchy that people don’t usually listen to the lyrics. If you did listen to the lyrics, you’ll realise that you will never, ever want to move like Jagger, a 68 year old man who hasn’t had the ability to ‘move’ sufficiently in over 20 years.
6. Olly Murs – Dance With Me Tonight
Has there ever been anyone less offensive than Olly Murs? In an attempt to make you think that even Olly Murs has a bad side, in the video to ‘Dance With Me Tonight’ he is being ushered into a police station for questioning. You can’t help but think though that he’s only being arrested for a pathetic crime, like failure to pay parking fines or urinating on a lamppost. The fact that you’ve got a head far too big for you’re face is surely an indication that no-one will ever want to dance with you Olly. Ever (cheap shot).
5. Rihanna – We Found Love ft. Calvin Harris
Calvin Harris took a short break from drinking Irn Bru and getting ripped off by various producers to team up with professional independent black female Rihanna earlier this year. We’ve included this more so for the video, of which we see Rihanna becoming violently ill after smoking one of those rainbow cigarettes that the drama clubs at school told you were bad. So ill infact that she projectile vomits colourful ribbons, something that happens to us all when we’ve led a night of excess…in a field with around 16 other people. Y’know, one of those crazy nights. The only way that this video could be more annoying is if Agyness Deyn made some sort of poetic, hipster speech at the start about the meanings of ‘love’. Oh wait…
4. David Guetta feat. EVERYONE.
The French ‘DJ’ and Black Eyed Peas sympathiser continued his reign of terror well into 2011, his name unavoidable. He’s been collaborating left right and centre with the cream of annoying pop twits since 2009, and it shows no sign of stopping. From the quite frankly creepy ‘Sweat’ with Snoop Dogg, through Flo Rida and Nicki Minaj on ‘Where Them Girls At’, to the more recent ‘Without You’ featuring Usher, who by the way is now available for lost love whining in electronic format, Guetta is single handedly tearing through the pop battlefield, wreaking havoc, and selling in incredible volumes. He’s even got his hands on the lovely Sia for God’s sake. So given the relentless taking down of long standing dictators this year, when will this French Pop Commander (See what I did there?) topple? Well the US pop army of mass destruction continue to churn out what they call ‘House’ music, so perhaps we’ll just stick with the genuine UK revival while they melt their ears….
3. Adele – Someone Like You
No. No, no, and again no. Adele and her honking (alright, she has a good voice, but that doesn’t really suit the point I’m trying to make here) have now become the soundtrack to the vacuous emotions and breakups of a million or more morons in the UK and the US alike. She just ‘gets it’ doesn’t she? NO. I lost patience with Adele after her horribly uninformed and arrogant rant about the tax she pays on her millions (boo hoo), but this is about the music isn’t it. Well, the song is dreadful. It’s the limp emotional stirrer in every ITV drama advert, and whenever I have the misfortune of having to listen to it, I physically quiver with cringe in aniticpation of the high bit at 1.26, which if I haven’t managed to get to the radio to turn it down in time, I endure with a face that suggests massive irrepressible trauma.
2. Drake feat. Rihanna – Take Care
2011 saw the colossal loss of Gil Scott-Heron, a true musical pioneer. With the release of his last album I’m New Here and the subsequent remix album from Jamie XX, he was still very much on the map at the time of his death. Good news then, for the Pop Exec vultures who thought best to strike while the iron was hot and use Gil’s work as a horrible grab at credibility for two of this years ‘superstars’ Drake and Rihanna. The song is backed by ‘I’ll Take Care Of U’ from the aforementioned remix album ‘We’re New Here’, and represents a thoroughly lazy use of an amazing song in order to try and make generic and vapid popstars seem like they’re something worthy of note in their own right. The record was an extremely sad reflection of the empty churning out of music young people today have become so accustomed to. Despite the supposed internet age and the masses of information available in seconds, it seems teenagers these days don’t have enough about them to see past the conveyor belt and look for that any more. It all got awfully serious back there didn’t it?
1. One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful
Well, well, well. One Direction eh? 1D! Yeah! Single handedly shagging their way through the X-Factor rejects, and in Caroline Flack, the decent presenting job rejects, One Direction are a modern pop dream. Every other day their army of teenyboppers has got some inane bollocks up to a trending topic on Twitter, and the hysteria greeting their various Christmas light switch-ons was reminiscent of that other boyband the girls went mental for last year. I’m confident they should all still be at school though, right? They unleashed their first slice of musical fuckery on September 11th (I’m saying nothing), and the lyrics to their dreadful/ly catchy debut single ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ read like a checklist of things slightly insecure and increasingly slutty early teen girls long to hear. All the sweeter then from the lips of Harry Styles, who, forgive me if I’m casting aspersions, is sporting the type of excess face skin that you only really see with either the associated weight loss of a drug habit OR the final stage of puberty. You know, the part where the pre-teen boy chunk lifts and a beautiful teenage man is revealed….*swoon*
By Fiona Gales & Jack Needham.